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Saturday 23 September 2017
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A story you could use this weekend

You may call it random musings if you like

weekend

By Oluwole Sheriff Olusanya

 

You may already be preparing for the long week-end. Well, we all have to. And I thought about how to help you jazz it up a bit. So I penned a couple of thoughts over the last weekend and I’m now sharing some of them with you. The ‘thank you’ can come later!

Okay, it was Saturday morning and I was very happy that the weekend was here again. I woke up on my good old familiar bed and I was like; “when will one chick even propose to me sef?” I can’t wait to be married off this house, but then I remembered that I am the one that has to do the “proposing”. “Hmm, that one go tey small o!” I went to the living room and I saw my mum working on breakfast already; “Hmm, God bless this woman sha; food would soon be ready”. “Hmm, thank God for the food and God bless the cook”. I thought. I concluded breakfast like it was one of my numerous articles and I moved on to other things.

Then, I was reading my previous article (http://shegzsablezs.blogspot.com.ng/2017/04/7th-april-genocide-in-rwanda-lets-make.html) and I was like; “do people even care about what happened in Rwanda in 1994?” “Wetin be my own with the genocide in Rwanda sef?” And then I remembered that “writers need to write abi?”

Later, I was like; “Easter is next weekend, should I be writing about how 800,000 – 1,000,000 people lost their lives again? That would be wickedness o!” “I would just write about something I have not written about before”, then, I thought about it; “Wetin I never write about before?” “I have close to 100 articles – all of them addressing various issues, should I just chill this week and re-publish my article about the Chibok girls? It would be 3 years on Good Friday”. (http://shegzsablezs.blogspot.com.ng/2017/04/two-years-on-our-girls-are-still-missing.html)

I remembered what we call “Writers’ Block” – staring at a blank Microsoft word page and not been able to put about 1,000 meaningful words together. “I am exhausted o! Should I just write about the things I did when I was much younger?” “Sharing my past with you guys might have a counter effect o”, I thought, “at least, a lot of you – my readers believe that I am innocent, am I?” I quickly removed the thought from my mind o. “I don’t want my few friends to turn to enemies, friends are expensive this days abeg”. I concluded.

Okay, this is it. “I would like to write about my inability to write something meaningful for the week and I will make it meaningful. Meaningful – may have to depend on how my readers view it”. Please excuse my French, I decided to write about a few thoughts that ran across my mind over the weekend. Let’s start with that movie I was watching on Saturday morning after breakfast titled – Manhattan Night. I concluded the movie and I was like; “now what?” “What I have learned from watching this movie sef?” A woman mistakenly murders her husband and covers her tracks, feigns innocence and a news reporter digs up the whole truth – that’s all. “Are movies really meant to entertain? Because this one just completely wasted my time o”. “Well, it’s all good, it is free”. I consoled myself with the fact that the only thing I have lost is an hour or more.

Speaking about time, the time to celebrate my birthday is getting closer. “Hmm, I don’t even no why we are meant to celebrate birthdays sef!” “To me, it means I am getting closer to my ‘grave’ “. I thought, “If I was destined to live for 100 years and more than 25 years is gone already, would it make sense to buy cake and feed people because another year would soon be gone? I don’t even know why we are to celebrate birthdays sef”. I thought, “It cost a lot this days o. Hmm, BM’s birthday made a lot of sense sha. Maybe, the females or the Igbos should be the only ones to celebrate birthdays or what do you think? I don tire sef, what am I thinking?”

“Okay, I was thinking about “thinking”, should I just start thinking about where I will spend my eternity? God please forgive me for my sins o. In case anything happens because I was just thinking about “grave” earlier.” “Hmm, I don’t even know if I am a Muslim or a Christian because the other day, I was going to Jumat, I held a book titled; “Good Morning, Holy Spirit” Are good Muslims supposed to learn about the Holy Spirit? Oh, did anyone include “good” in my brand of Muslim? And what if the trumpet sounds now, where will I go to? I just pray that God would reverse everything he said about “Hell” o”. “Wait, I know what you are thinking but please don’t judge me. I am just being reasonable, I am not putting all my eggs in one basket o. Eggs are expensive this days. I think I would make heaven, at least I like to make people laugh and God likes that”. “See one chance, I have not being going to church and mosque o”. “Okay, let me confess my sins, I have not gone to any church and ‘asalatu’ this year. I don’t think I have even read the bible or Quran this year sef, well, we still have about 8 months, and God will touch my heart. I will change like APC”.

“I just mentioned APC and someone asked, ‘where Dino is?’ Please o, I don’t like to involve Nigerian politics in my articles o”. “Why is anyone even bothered about Dino?” “Are we not in this country when someone won an election from prison? And a former President said that he does not give a damn when asked what Nigerians would think if he does not declare his assets? Well, at least we know his wife speaks very good English”. “Is anyone laughing? I no dey o”. “I am sure Dino is part of the change we were promised, he only forgot the school he went to – which is very possible. I can’t remember my discipline also, did I study Banking & Finance or did they study me?” “Old age is coming gradually o”.

Ehen ehen, you guys would love to hear my gist about what happened at my friend’s place on Sunday evening. “Okay, I was bored, I have been reading his same book and I just needed some fresh air. Lemme just scroll o jare!” I concluded that checking up on my old secondary school friend won’t be a bad idea. I went to his place to spend some minutes and we ended up gisting about chicks. Before I continue, “why is it that the only thing guys discuss about are girls when they are together?” “Maybe, it is the same way with the opposite ‘sex’, Oh, I should have used the word – ‘gender’. We have a long holiday and I don’t want anyone of us to be thinking about the other word too much. Nigeria is overpopulated already”.

Okay, back to the gist on my friend, we ended up discussing about our Exes. “Why did I even start the topic sef?” Okay, He told me he had recently broken up with one chic and I could not believe it o. I used to think that these guys were made for each other o. He told me that he suspected that the chic has started cheating on him with a fellow staff at her new job and I was like; “bros, you are the number cheater in the whole world nao, why are you bothered that your chic is cheating on you?” “Wait, do you think I would ask him that one? No o. I kept quiet because I wanted to hear the full gist of the gossip o”.

Lastly, “I am sure you are surprised I spent my whole weekend thinking abi?” Well, I did some other things I can’t share with you all. Hmm, I know someone somewhere is thinking dirty. Well, PSP stopped working and Lagos is getting dirtier, I can understand. God will cleanse our souls and we would all have a wonderful Easter celebration. Speaking about Easter, “Which church would I go to on Easter Sunday sef?”

Happy Celebrations Everyone.

 

God Bless Us All

 

Olusanya, Oluwole Sheriff is a relationship officer with Sterling Bank, Lagos.

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